Move On Already!

It's been since late March that we have been separated and everyone is starting to look at me funny and says, "Move on already."

In fact, my son is pressuring me to do this because he says that being married is actually holding me back.

The suppose the plus side, if there ever is one, is that the concept of getting a divorce isn't making me nauseous. Baby steps, right?

In actuality, I'm asking myself why I haven't just done it. Ended it. Finito.

My counselor touched upon something that I haven't thought of and didn't have the wherewithal to understand it. I have not had that many people in my life that have been in my corner. While most people put on airs with strangers, I do that with my family. It was always in an effort to get along with them and try to keep them around. In all honesty, I have almost no familial support system.

Most don't understand that when you have a small support system, it is hard to get rid of a person who was your main support system, even if they were bad to you.

You let them in, give them your heart, your secrets, and your trust. Thinking that you're going to be married to this person for the rest of your life, you open up corners of your heart that you have never spoken of. They are not just in the circle of trust, but they ARE the circle of trust. You have so very little and they become your everything.

I was a very lonely little girl and having a relationship where I could finally tell someone my inner thoughts and dreams was all I ever wanted. Never mind the fact that he took that magic that I had bestowed onto him and distorted it. And, in a final humiliation, he is disturbingly nonchalant about divorcing me after I have let him see all of my vulnerabilities.

It's because of my weight. He is surfacy and not, as I had thought, a deep thinker. I know I embarrassed him because of my weight that is why he never took me anywhere to see anyone or do anything. How he is seen to the outside world is extremely important to him. He is a perfectionist and having me be fat or in his eyes I am sure, imperfect, was horrible. Even though, my knowing that he was shallow like that would have been the perfect passive resistant play on my part, LOL, which I may have done.

There is also the fact that his narratives about me would be seen as bold-faced lies if people actually got to talk with me. Many people have said things or mentioned things that I had supposedly did or said that were simply not true. I was always left in a quandary as to whether to go along with the lie because he is my husband or set them straight and, in turn, get him angry. As the saying goes, "Truth will out," and it does...eventually. I typically would wait and say nothing until he turns away from me and towards someone else. This is where they usually see the cracks and inconsistencies. He flubs up enough that I felt there was no need to set the record straight.

Yes, I have revealed some the thoughts I have been mulling over the last few weeks...months.

Hopefully, I will feel better soon because I am making such good strides on becoming healthier...better, stronger, faster.

The divorce still looms though...