Bernadine's Rage

I'm ready.

I've never felt so ready to take the next step and get on with my life. I see the possibilities and have finally come to the conclusion that hubby and I were NEVER right for each other.

But, now that I'm ready, things seem to be moving at a snails pace and it's frustrating.

See, I want him to pay for a POD for his things. My neighbors have already volunteered to help as much as they can to load said POD full of his belongings. The only things stopping me is the money. A middle size POD costs about $270.00. Now, I know you're thinking, why don't I just go to one of those public storage place that have a 1st month free deal? People, those public storage "deals" are pure marketing. There are various fee's involved (administrative fee's, deposits, etc) that add up to or more than the actual rental fee. This is not including the fact that I have to rent a U-Haul or Ryder truck to be able to load everything up or that I have to have some people load everything in the truck with me....and then unload it...etc.

It's a hassle for me especially for the fact that all this inconvenience is for someone who was abusive to me. I almost feel like I'm getting abused all over again and that the word "Sucker" should be tattooed on my forehead. I'm being co-dependent again and I don't want to be.

I think the absolute worst thing would be signing divorce papers and then coming home to the chaos of all of his stuff. I want it out! Now.


He hasn't gotten back to his attorney about this and it's been two weeks. I'm thinking his passive resistance is another manipulative way for him to make sure I pay for, not only the divorce filing that we had agreed upon, but the POD as well.

I pay for everything and I move everything. He gets off with being lazy again...

Not fair!

Sex and/or Money?

The obvious has happened and I don't have time anymore. Seems as though my soon-to-be ex husband is growing exasperated with me and my lagging on the divorce. His attorney tells my lawyer that they aren't going to wait that much longer for me to file.

It is time then.

I think I'm ready for this and have grown stronger in the last month or so. How can one know though how it will actually feel signing those papers in the office, walking out the door, and driving home? The finale, if you will. Completely and utterly detaching yourself from someone you loved and promised yourself to.

Will it be the final heartbreak or will it be a relief? I have no idea...

I know one thing is for sure, I have been angry lately. I mean ANGRY!

Working out is one thing, but working out with a look on your face like you're going to kill someone is another thing entirely.

I'm pissed at men.

I know it's typical in times like these, but that isn't the whole issue here. I had faith in men. When you grow up with horribly emotionally-laden females and no males around, you have hope. My best friends through high school were boys and there wasn't the constant strain of them wanting to analyze every subtle nuance of my being...or theirs! They just wanted to laugh, joke, and have fun. Nothing complicated.

I've always given men the benefit of the doubt throughout my adult life. Believing that they wouldn't lead me astray like the women have. I mean girls wouldn't act like themselves and make a show for the men-folk. I knew their games. Pretty soon you're married to one of those women persons and the guys looking around in a quandary saying, "But, I thought you liked football?" Women aren't truthful. You can't trust them!

Or so I thought...

As I got older, I got to know my kind. See other women outside of my family and outside of each other. I got to respect women, and now I volunteer with teenage girls to help them reach achieve their dreams. 

But men...men...men...

I don't get you now. I can't smile at you because in your weird little mind, you think I'm flirting. Odd.

I'm starting to believe that the only way you are motivated is by money and sex. That's it. No wonder the divorce rates are so high. You are not capable of deep thinking. I'm almost envious. To think that when a woman asks you what you are thinking and you say nothing, your REALLY thinking of nothing. That is amazing. It's like an empty radio station. Nothing.

Ask any woman and there isn't a day that she isn't thinking about the things she has to do at work tomorrow, when to pick up with kids, and what to buy for your mother's birthday next week. And you have free air time. That's awesome! I'm so freaking jealous.

It's simple but, as I can see now, it's dangerous.

You run the world and since you have free air time, it's making me a little nervous. How did you get in charge?

Yes, women are a pain in the ass, but they are still amazing. When I tell the men about the abuse, there is hem/hawing about it, but you tell a woman and you see nothing but steely determination in her eyes. She will have my entire life mapped out for me in 2 seconds. Saying, "You're getting a divorce, aren't you? You can make it. You'll be fine. I'll see who else can come in and get waxed," and that's that.

Here's to my sister's who have been there for a moment or for the whole ride. I love you all and maybe one day, the men-folk running this world will catch up.

Flirting

I don't know what came over me. It must be those "50 Shades" books.

A long time male client of mine did, as he always does, last minute texts me to see if he can get in today. He's a well paying client and loyal so I oblige him, but I also have the time he was looking for.

As the day progresses, I notice something stirring inside me. I'm getting anxious as the minutes count down to his arrival. Hmmm, I never had this feeling before with him.

He's my last client of the day and I'm thinking about how much I want to see him, but I'm nervous. I'm in the massage portion of the facial when I realize I want him to be my first non-husband kiss. The sort of kiss I haven't had in 7 years, but how do I initiate it?

The thoughts of how to get him to kiss me flood my mind and I find myself getting excited with anticipation. Do I subtly suggest it or do I just grab him? I am horrible at these things. What if he pushes me away? I knew he liked me once when I was thinner and younger, but what about now?

He pulls up in his new dark grey BMW and walks towards the building. He looks so hot in his sleek button down with his aviator glasses on. My mouth gets dry as I say hello.

He asks me how I have been and I said sarcastically that divorce was, "greaaat". He looks shocked. Hmmm, I thought he knew about it from the last time he came.

We had a great time with our usual teasing each other mercilessly. I did mention that I think I'd "goof-out" if someone actually kissed me and reassuringly said to me, "No, you won't. You're more confident now. More then I have ever seen you". He also added, "you used to get with men and follow them with whatever they wanted to do, you're not like that anymore, I can see that".

I left the flirting aside and realized how nice it was to have an old friend there with me. Relishing the time we had to play catch up.

After we said our goodbyes, he rolled up in his BMW with those sexy glasses on and he had to give me one last tease, "You need to be more punctual (he's the one who's always late!)".

I said exasperatingly, "Goodbye, Christian Grey."

Stalking

I got a call from my lawyer; my ex is accusing me of stalking him.

Never mind the fact that we live in the same neighborhood and I have owned a house here since before we even met. In fact, I have lived in this neighborhood for over 20 years and he just moved here 5 years ago.

I can't help that he has decided to stay in the neighborhood and I also can't help that we may or may not pass each other on one of the two roads getting in or out of this neighborhood.

Honestly, I'm too tired to stalk anyone. I'm still grinding through the coupon people at my work. I have only gotten to 120 out of the 400 that were sold. If I was interested in stalking, I'd have to hire someone to do it for me and since the coupon people don't tip, it would be impossible.

No, this is all about the other day when I had a brain fart. Ugh, now, his lawyer believes that I was to still stay married because I haven't filed and, of course, I'm stalking him.

Can this get any better?

Well, at least I have taken up reading smut. Yes, I am devouring the "50 Shades of Grey" books this summer.

Christian Grey (the hero of the book) is so delicious. I see that actor Armie Hammer as him and Shailene Woodley as the heroine of the book, Anastasia (although, I'd rather see me).

I feel for men. How can they ever live up to a fictional guy? Christian Grey isn't lazy about work or sex, even and he adores his woman. I know, it's hard for men. Close to impossible.

Can I be 22 again with hymen intact this time so I can catch me an amazingly handsome billionaire?

Ex-husband say what??

Storage Facility

It's the garage.

The garage is making me batty. In fact, the garage is freaking me out with it's level of chaos, that I can't even think straight.

Within this little part of my house contains all of his stuff. From the pics, you would think that I must have messed it up or have done something to it, but I have not. This is how my husband actually lives.

For me, this garage is the representation of the chaos that is within my husband. This is the physical manifestation of someone who is in a state of utter confusion.

Unfortunately, his clutter, I feel, is the primary reason for my own state of confusion and I need to have cleaned out.

My support system is nil on this one for some reason. Even my own son is being intentionally absent from helping me, so I need to go it alone.

I'm hoping that I can pull everything out into the driveway, tarp it, and let his friends pick it up over the next couple days. That's what I hope anyway.

It's driving me batty having his stuff around and I wonder why God hasn't given me someone to help me with this task.

What it is doing, is showing me my lack of support and maybe that is why I am holding onto all his crap. Like I talked about before, he was my main support even though he was bad. Truth is, I don't have anyone else and it also shows me, I can't really count on anyone and I don't want to be in this position in the future.

This is so painful and these are the times when my Mom was helpful. I know she would rally and force you to put on your big girl panties. If I had her in my life, the garage wold have been cleaned out long ago. Mom never liked to linger.

I just need to do it. Maybe get some help here and there from some neighbors, but just do it.

Now is the time for all of us to clean out the recesses of our minds to make way for new and fresh thoughts.

No more lingering! Get up and do it!

Move On Already!

It's been since late March that we have been separated and everyone is starting to look at me funny and says, "Move on already."

In fact, my son is pressuring me to do this because he says that being married is actually holding me back.

The suppose the plus side, if there ever is one, is that the concept of getting a divorce isn't making me nauseous. Baby steps, right?

In actuality, I'm asking myself why I haven't just done it. Ended it. Finito.

My counselor touched upon something that I haven't thought of and didn't have the wherewithal to understand it. I have not had that many people in my life that have been in my corner. While most people put on airs with strangers, I do that with my family. It was always in an effort to get along with them and try to keep them around. In all honesty, I have almost no familial support system.

Most don't understand that when you have a small support system, it is hard to get rid of a person who was your main support system, even if they were bad to you.

You let them in, give them your heart, your secrets, and your trust. Thinking that you're going to be married to this person for the rest of your life, you open up corners of your heart that you have never spoken of. They are not just in the circle of trust, but they ARE the circle of trust. You have so very little and they become your everything.

I was a very lonely little girl and having a relationship where I could finally tell someone my inner thoughts and dreams was all I ever wanted. Never mind the fact that he took that magic that I had bestowed onto him and distorted it. And, in a final humiliation, he is disturbingly nonchalant about divorcing me after I have let him see all of my vulnerabilities.

It's because of my weight. He is surfacy and not, as I had thought, a deep thinker. I know I embarrassed him because of my weight that is why he never took me anywhere to see anyone or do anything. How he is seen to the outside world is extremely important to him. He is a perfectionist and having me be fat or in his eyes I am sure, imperfect, was horrible. Even though, my knowing that he was shallow like that would have been the perfect passive resistant play on my part, LOL, which I may have done.

There is also the fact that his narratives about me would be seen as bold-faced lies if people actually got to talk with me. Many people have said things or mentioned things that I had supposedly did or said that were simply not true. I was always left in a quandary as to whether to go along with the lie because he is my husband or set them straight and, in turn, get him angry. As the saying goes, "Truth will out," and it does...eventually. I typically would wait and say nothing until he turns away from me and towards someone else. This is where they usually see the cracks and inconsistencies. He flubs up enough that I felt there was no need to set the record straight.

Yes, I have revealed some the thoughts I have been mulling over the last few weeks...months.

Hopefully, I will feel better soon because I am making such good strides on becoming healthier...better, stronger, faster.

The divorce still looms though...

Hunky-Dory

I had an amazing massage today. The great thing about being in the salon industry, is you're able to barter your services with others in the industry. Job perk.

While I was laying there in a semi-catatonic state, my mind started to wander.

Why did God let me see my husband yesterday?

I have been chuckling all day at the sight of him running at top speed to get away from me. It made me feel like a stalker even though I haven't communicated with him since March. There he was in all his glory and I'm sure, if he could, he would have been screaming.(Ahhhhh....!!)

As the massage therapist is getting all the knots out of my back, I think about how he looked. He didn't look that great. Not this Adonis I thought he would turn into after he stopped eating my lasagna. The receding hairline was there (think, Eddie Munster), he was wearing all the same clothes from before with a shirt that was too short, and he must have bought new shoes.

Being a white guy with a size 13 shoe, you think he would know to not buy huge white basketball shoes, right? He looked so ridiculous with that little tiny shirt, khaki shorts, and his lily-white legs running down the street in those big ass white shoes. LOL, he wants so much to look like his little Asian "gangster"   friends, that he dismissed the fact that, well, he may be a dork.

By the time the massage therapist was at my arms, I figured out what God was up to.

He wanted me to see how this man that I thought would be looking so hawt that every woman would want him, in reality, looks like an idiot.

God, I feel, also wanted to show me that the chaos and drama in his life was still there. I knew that freaked out speed walking thing he was doing because I have seen it many many times before. What it means is, someone's frustrated with him and he's pissed or some version of him being a victim to someone else, whichev. It was the drama march. When he was in his drama march, he could out run most people. He's like lightening, but this one was particularly fast.

Since he was coming from the friend's house he's been staying at and going towards the other friends house he works with, seems as though there are issues surrounding his living situation. Maybe, it isn't all hunky dory for him right now. All this time I thought he was moving on seamlessly, but maybe he wasn't.

He wasn't the one who changed, it was me looking at him through my eyes. I have changed.

I have men looking at me now. I have people looking at me weirdly once I state I have a teenage boy and saying, "you do NOT look old enough to have a teenager." 

I am looking good and feeling good....and I like it :)


 

I Blame the Midol

After my 24 hours of spiritual cleansing, I'm throwing in the towel.

I was in a thoughtful mood. In fact, you could say, I was a little dreamy driving home mulling over the days events.

The radio wasn't on and I had just left the psychic reader. I'm going back and forth over whether I feel anything or not for my husband. Were the bonds actually broken? I feel a little differently, but not much. Maybe it needs a day or two to process and cure before it solidifies.

As I round the bend after a loooong drive back home, my thoughts feel all kinds of jumbled. Then it happens. I didn't gasp. I didn't think. I saw my husband in street clothes speed walking and looking freaked out. He's so concentrated that he doesn't see me. I stop the car with no hesitation at all and while rolling down the window I say, "Is everything okay??"

He looks at me and backs up to take a breather, and then it hits me. I JUST TALKED TO MY EX! I go to get out of there and, being so flustered, I stalled out the car.

By this time, my husband is running by me on the other side of the street in a compete panic. I don't think I have ever seen him run so fast!

I got out of there and called every one of my support ladies to confess.

Ugh, knee-jerk reaction. Where was that doubt, God? You always put doubt in my head before I do something stupid. Even if it's for a split second, you always gave me the gift doubt and now nothing.

What gives, God?

I called to get my money back from Ms. Psychic Reader.

From the Sublime to the Ridiculous

I'm really trying to become healthy again and in an effort to do this, I have thrown myself in every spiritual situation I can.

The definition of a healthy human being is one who has all their base's covered. This typically means having the mind, body, and spirit all working together to make a better you.

Right now mind (school) and body (stairs) are working together, but the spirit has been lacking.

Enter, every spiritual situation, healer, or freak I can find in my quest to be one with the universe. Oummm...

Slosh, took me to a woman's bible study at her church last night. Yes, she goes to church between wine and her honey's big peen I always get to hear about. I am sure I don't look like the Queen of restraint when it comes to my facial expressions. Some have called me "animated". That night, I'm sure, with my eyes bulging and my mouth ajar, I looked shocked. The late teen daughter of the pastor was playing her homemade music about Jesus for, what seemed like, two songs that lasted a half century. Looking like Lori from the Partridge Family on her keyboard singing, "Jeeeeeeeeesus....Jeeeeeeeesus.....Oh, Jeeeeeeeesus....," into infinity whilst well-healed women had their arms stretched up into the air, crying. At some point, I know someone was talking that weird tongue stuff that always freaks me out. The next song was even better where she actually sang a song about how Jesus will take care of our wardrobes for in-climate weather in the winter months. Not joking here, folks.

Then the pastor's wife speaks. She has on expensive "casual wear", a big ring, and huge fake boobs. Did she pray for those or did one of their 5 churches do that? Yes, crowds gather in the church every Sunday to watch their pastor on a huge projector and then they go home. Feel better? If they put it on youtube, I could just worship Jesus while lying in bed in my eating robe.

Then I went to therapy where my Psychologist believes I may be the real life Marilyn from "The Munsters." I have been telling her for weeks how I have always been beholden to waves of emotion from my sister and my mother. For years, their weird sensitivities have manipulated my life to the point that I don't even care anymore. Just one more wild accusation or overly sensitive weirdness and *poof*, their gone. Unless I want to kowtow to them and bow my head to exclaim how insensitive and horrible I really am (when I know that I'm not) then they stop talking to you. LOL, don't worry, it has been happening since I was little, I just roll my eyes at this point. See, manic/depressives are my thang and we're trying to have me not be drawn to those types of people. Crazies shouldn't feel like home.

Speaking of crazies, I then went to a psychic healer today. Yes folks, I spent $120 on an hour of crazy. I had to lead her most of the time.

Psychic - "I see that your husband would give you money."
Me - "No, actually, I was supporting him."
Psychic - "Well the, what are you worried about?"

Then she had me lay on a massage table and she touched my head and feet while making these weird noises. Finally, she looked at me and said the bonds with my husband were broken.

I paid her. I guess I feel better, but maybe it takes a while.

The Good Men are Draped in Camo?

I have no idea why I was so worried about the contractor coming over. He couldn't have been nicer.

The thing is, if I were to put my finger on it, I was feeling exposed and somehow through that, fearful.

I've let my husband have the floor on his own break-up narrative. It didn't seem to matter to me as much letting others know my truth. He felt his reputation was the most important thing worth saving and letting him just go with it by not disputing, was going to be my strategy in not making him angrier. What do I care, it keeps me safe. He can have the world as long as I have my little piece of it and live in my truth with only the people that matter.

Unfortunately, I started thinking last night and, with that, came worry. No two contractors who do the same thing in a mid-size town like mine cannot know each other. They have to know something, even if it's a little blurb about the other, it's something. My husband has an unusual name as well, which makes it more pronounced the possibility of him being recognized. What if my contractor knows of or, even worse, has worked with my husband? Then, the jig is up. God knows what would happen to me if it got leaked to his audience that the signs of his dysfunctionality, and my narrative, were proven right. Than, my contractor could say to him, "Hey man, great job on getting angry and  destroying your house." He would be devastated and would either run away or .....???

I couldn't sleep that night, but when my contractor came over, he couldn't have been more gentlemanly (even with his camouflaged hunting hat on). Nervously, I showed him the outside of the house and then I finally had to reveal the internal damage.

First, I showed him the kitchen molding that had been dislodged. I could barely speak and just kept rubbing it. Than, I showed him the door down the hallway with the fist and knife marks in it. "Ah yes," he said, finally getting it, "I've seen a few of these." He went through and quietly took notes. I finally told him, "everywhere I look in here, I see violence. You're going to help me change my life." He was bashful and gently went over my plan of action by telling me where to get cheap solid core doors. He made me make a list of all the things I needed to do and get to make my house better. And, in the end, he explained that I wouldn't need to pay him any labor costs. It's best, he said, if I just barter with him by giving his wife facial and waxing treatments.  

He didn't seem like the hugger type of man, but as he left he gave me the side hug and whispered, "we'll take care of it."

There are good men out there. They may have a stupid camo hat on, but they are still good.

A Knock at the Door

I have only had this feeling of grief about a break-up one other time.

When my first husband and I got together, I felt the overwhelming feeling of a boy child. It was so strong that, when I would remember my dreams, he was always in them. Knock, knock, knock in my mind was this child.

My ex-husband and I were dating and we decided to call it off. I knew he was wrong for me, but I was devastated.  I remember going down to my mother's for the weekend. While I was being treated for my broken heart, I couldn't help but cry. I still felt the knocking and every year we were together, it grew stronger.

One particular moment was when I was getting a massage that weekend and for the entire hour, tears are running down my face. At one point, when she left the room, I curled up into the fetal position and balled.

Thankfully, we got back together, but I never was in love with him. It was strange. I just felt this tremendous life-force wanting to be born. Knock, knock, knock...

We got married and it took us a year to get pregnant. It wasn't like I wanted to be a mother immediately, but there was too much pressure from he and his family to not think differently. I thought maybe we could wait and have fun like most young couples our age. He didn't want that.
There was an agenda and I needed to follow it. LOL, yes, he was slightly controlling, but in this case, I'm glad I didn't wait.

When my son that I have been dreaming about all these years was born, I knew I was done. That I had brought this person in that was fated to be born with us as parents and now the knocking had finally ceased.

I'm not a fan of hypocrisy, so the minute I knew I felt nothing for the man I married and there was no more knocking, I had to go. I would have been a hypocrite to have stayed and it would have been unfair to everyone involved, especially my husband.

My son will be my gift to society. He was meant to be born.

Now, once again, I feel devastation and I'm trying to put my  finger on it. To be certain, my now husband was probably the worst mate, partner, or spouse one could ever have. Mean, addictive personality, Peter Pan complex, riddled with anxieties, abusive, and, in the long run, not giving in any fashion, so why am I devastated?

I know what my brain is telling me. I am literal enough to step away and see all the maladies, but why devastation?

I have run this record over and over in my mind, and I don't get it. Everyday, a new consciousness raising happens and I remember something cruel that was said or something mean that has happened. My heart has it another way. At least, I think it's my heart.

I have been on my knees plenty to time asking God to remove this demon that plagues my heart and yet, it doesn't happen.

What to do and is this another sort of knock on my door entirely?

Sex and Divorce

Recently, I read this article in the Huffington Post: Life After Divorce:Sex.

There aren't many articles (Well, maybe more than a few), that make my blood boil, but this one stuck with me for a few days.

It should be noted that the author is a professional matchmaker and not any sort of psychologist. She should not be writing anything about relationships. Unlike me, who is an Esthetician.

Anywho, I feel that in this day and age, gender stereotypes are and should be a thing of the past. Saying that we are emotional and men are analytical has no scientific backing behind it. There has been countless studies on the brain and I'm here to tell you, our brains are not so different.

This gender stereotyping is an environmental problem, not a scientific one. I know men that are emotional and women that are analytical. Let's thank the author for holding onto long held archaic beliefs about the different gender's while giving her "advice".

On the subject of casual sex and divorce, the author states,"Men are very analytical and they view sex as exactly what it is: a form of pleasure."

To me, this not only negates the sex act, but women in general. Sex is a form of pleasure and all women are inferior to this knowledge. Thank god we have men to set us straight and be the example of what a healthy sexual relationship is! Never mind, that this statement treats men, yet again, as sexual beasts who can't control themselves and are devoid of having any sort of emotional attachment in regards to sex.

Lastly, I would like to address the psychological effects of post-divorce casual sex. Divorce is painful. Basically, it feels like you are taking someone who you vowed to spend eternity with and ripping them out of your heart. It's a death, but you get to go on and see the person that you shared such intimacies with, move on with someone else. You might even catch a glimpse of them at the market or the movies with their new significant other. It's a death that you deal with every day and you must get used to it. It takes sometimes a couple years to deal with that loss.

Right after a divorce, you grieve. You grieve terribly sometimes and it's understandable to want that pain to go away. Remember my "god cry"? I would have done anything to make that pain go away. Some people start to drink afterwards or take anti-depressants or even illegal drug use, but others, take something else, another person.

Casual sex after divorce is medicating yourself with another human being. Just like you would use any drug, you are using a person to get over your grief. The trick is, this behavior doesn't move you through your grief, it only prolongs it.

See, no one can escape the emotional work/healing they must do after a traumatic event. Casual sex, just like any sort of medicating helps you feel a brief high and then you must come down again and eventually deal with your problems. You could try and be in a perpetual state of highness by constantly looking for the next victim, but than you start down that ole sexual addiction slippery slope.

Using another person to get over your grief is wrong. The other person doesn't know your anger and doesn't deserve to have you put your issues on them when they have done nothing wrong. Being predatory and searching for women who have low self-worth to medicate with, is even more disgusting. You've now become another person who has heaped their issues on a person who can't handle it.

What is your mark on society when you use people for your own gain?

Medicating by utilizing people, is a cowards way of dealing with grief. I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do is face the grief head-on. Get on the floor and do your "god-cry". You may even have to do several or join a gym to get out that anger. There are several more healthy ways to ease the pain without using others.

I promise you that if you do face the pain (I always imagine it as me facing a huge wave coming towards me and I'm looking at it with my arms stretched out) you will feel better. You will get through it and you will not prolong the healing or take the issue into another relationship.

You will be free.

Is love a fancy or a feeling?

The emotion named "love" has always put me in a quandary and I wasn't really sure why, until this morning.

I very rarely remember my dreams and am typically pea green with envy for those who do. It seems as though they can tell you about this amazing dream they had last night and somehow connect the dots on how it fits into their life. For me, this phenomenon happens once in a blue moon and I can never figure out how the dream actually ties into my existence. See, a secret to me, I don't get much unless you knock me over the head with it. I don't understand cryptic or subtle messages. Ask the men I have dated or married. They have to grab me and look me in the face and state that they like me or love me before I even get it.

Thankfully, this dream was direct. I woke up with the overwhelming feeling that I didn't know what love was. For a person, like myself, who takes things very literally, it's a hard concept to swallow.

You can't ever master love. You can't get a PhD in love and then know all about it. It's impossible. It's so funny, you master almost any other important subject, but the one thing that makes everything and is spoken of so readily, you can't ever master. Nope, I am sure there are people who are 100 years old who still scratch their heads and wonder about this phenomenon.

There are tons of books from so-called experts about love, but do they really know. I think in your heart of hearts, you know that they don't.

I saw a dear friend of mine today who I haven't seen in a while. She was glowing and before I knew it, she ran over to me and gave me a hug. She excitedly exclaimed, " He said it. He finally said it." She was beaming. Never mind the fact that they were on a cookout and she said, "I love marshmallow's," and he thought she said, "I love you." He thought she said it first. She's decided to let it lie.

My son went on three dates with someone and they have exchanged the love word. He told me he believes that when you feel it, you should say it. Should you and what exactly is it?

I know that ooey gooey feeling inside when you meet someone new. They like the same movies, the same food, the same music, and your heart is beating so fast. They said that twitterpated feeling you have at the beginning of a relationship can be more addicting then heroin. A natural high, but what goes beyond that?

There is the flip side of the old couple who have been married for forever and survived it all. Is that love? When you go through hell and back with a person, shoving those hurdles aside and just plowing through hand in hand.

Pseudo-psychologists say it has to do with mutual respect, but there are couples out there that tear each other apart with no respect at all, yet they still love one another.

At this point, I thought I had love all figured out. That ooey gooey feeling can last if both persons are willing to work on it. That you hold hands and drive right through the hurdles, but that is wrong too.

I know the love I have for my son, but men can't compare to that level of feeling because it's different.

Isn't it?   

Happy Independent Day!

I did the dreaded stairs again. Twice. Grrr...I'm starting to feel vivacious and strong. I'm now at 188 pounds and am starting to feel great.

Even though I feel great and will look amazing one day, I know I can't ever compete with 19.

Suddenly, I have empathy for Demi Moore. Here she was, this amazingly wealthy, talented (well, business wise), and sophisticated woman. She decides to marry Ashton Kutcher. This guy is a 25 year old douche who is less talented, has no sophistication ("Punk'd" = n'uff said), and financially pales to Ms. Demi. Their marriage, never mind courtship, came out of the blue.

She probably thought that this was the one. Bruce Willis, her hubby before Ashton, was a well-known philanderer at the time of their marriage and basically kept her up in B.F. Idaho raising their daughters.

Finding love with a younger man who maybe hasn't ever said, "I love you", to anyone before you or who looks at you adoringly can be amazing. No man has looked at you that way before. In fact, every man you have come across as a successful woman wants to either conquer you or compete with you.

There is no games, just someone falling all over themselves just to be with you and it can be intoxicating. You haven't seen such a case of puppy love since you were in high school. Finally, you let this person in. Your support system is all for it because they love you and feel that it's about time someone treated you with such respect. Older men can come with a plethora of issues covered in a mask of slickness. It's awesome having a man who is gorgeous, young, and his eye are brimming with love for you.

Then they grow. In fact, they are the slow leech that you don't even notice. By this I mean, they slowly drain you of your life-force and become bigger, stronger, and more sophisticated. All this time, they have stood on your shoulders and reached for the stars.

When they are ready, they either leave or, and in most cases, they start to sabotage the relationship. See, these guys are ultimately cowards. That's why they need to stand on a stronger person because they can't do it, or anything, themselves.

Now Ashton is out there dating Mila Kunis who is twenty-something and Demi looks gaunt and frail. I get it now, Demi. You can't eat. You can't sleep. Your life-force has been slowly drained and is beating in another human being who is humping on someone younger and more taught then you are.

I get it. You thought he was the one and the grief is unbearable because now you're older and he just moves along seamlessly.

On this independent day, find your life-force again. Take it in baby steps. If you haven't meditated in a while, force yourself to do so. Go for a brisk walk or force yourself to march up those steps.

It's your life-force and it's time to take it back!

Angry Bird

Lately, I find myself playing a lot of angry birds (the addicting iPhone game app).

I understand that he's probably hitting the high hard one with whom-so-ever, but I'm trying to find anything that is mind numbing.

In walks the angry birds. Somehow animated bird destruction, eases my pain.

My 6' blonde friend came back from China yesterday. She lives there with her daughter and is a high-end fashion clothing designer. Of course, she looks fab while I feel like some poor schlep. 

After I gave her a facial and waxing, we put on our running shoes and she WORKED ME! I think she longs for the times that I was the fashion diva while she was still at the Art Institute.

I needed it. My son had plans with me for the 4th of July, but found a better deal elsewhere. Sadness ensues. 

Anywho, she took me up these long ass stairs and then back over to some other stairs and then we did lunges on the sidewalk. She is no joke.

She has some trouble with her boss and staff right now. They aren't pulling the numbers this last quarter and of course, they are looking at her, the lead designer. The staff is saying that she's cold and strict with them which is something I could see if you don't know her. She's actually the warmest most loyal person you could know, but she has been trained in the Anna Wintour/"Devil Wears Prada" school for personality development in the work place. 

I told her to start being warm and when I managed a salon/spa, I remembered the little things about each person. When all else fails though, blame YOUR boss. Good cop/bad cop always works in a pinch. Typically, it's your boss being the asshole anyway. Let them own their assholeness because it's not your responsibility to take that on.

After she killed me on the stairs, I went to the organic food store to get their homemade tomato soup. For the last 3 days, it's all I've been thinking about. Then, and it was just out of the blue, I went to go see "Snow White and the Huntsmen".

AMAZING!!! I'm so glad I went. I can't believe I saw "Magic (stupid) Mike" before I saw this. Snow White is so wonderfully independent and strong. It's like Disney meets a Jill Clayburgh movie!

I barely get home and I'm digging into the now tepid soup. Oh my word, it is so good. Fresh tomatoes with onions and some spinach leaves. I know it sounds yukky, but the flavor was to die for.

I'm laying down afterwards on the floor just thinking about Snow White. She could have given up. Chrissakes, her whole family is dead, she's up in a dungeon, and there is an evil witch wanting to rip her heart out. Snow white knew she had a bigger purpose though. She needed to save everyone from the evil step-monster mommy.

I'm laying there asking God for help again as tears are running down my face. "Please God, get this demon out of my heart. I need your help with this." Yes, I've decided my husband is a demon. Hell, wouldn't a demon be beautiful and charming to be able to lure you from goodness or anything else?

The phone keeps ringing. It's the Living Social people wanting to cash in their facial coupons. Ring after ring and I'm getting the feeling that God really isn't listening to my need for help. Finally, my sister calls. This must be the sign I've been waiting for.

I haven't heard from her, but twice in the last 2 weeks. She told me she's been down in the dumps and just wanted to stay away from people. She's under a lot of pressure plus, she feels fat. There has always been a weakness about that for her and her self-esteem.

Anywho, her husband, my bro-in-law, wants me to go with them to Portland. Get out and have some fun, he says. Awesomenesss! I did NOT want to go to the neighborhood party with all the assholes and looky-lou's. I'm so happy, but then she springs it on me.

Seems she feels I have been critical of her husband as of late and I need to be careful. WTF?! This is how she is. In fact, she's always been like this: oversensitive and manipulative (she doesn't ever want me to go). It's weird because she knows I typically am defending her husband when they argue. In fact, he's a good looking guy and thinks that the sun rises and sets in my crazy chubby-assed sister.

He's an artist and she said that the day when we got manis/pedis, I said something about him getting one too. She said he'd die before doing something like that. That was criticism. That is what she had a probem with and said that me saying that, "hurt her heart."

This is the same woman who used to say a plethora of horrible things to me and make fun of me when I was little. The one who chimed in and laughed at the jokes saying that I wasn't to bright. Or the person that called me a dork, a brat, a liar, etc.? She told me when I was little that my dad wasn't my dad and that his family wasn't my family. Does her heart hurt because of that? Nope.

I know it's the weight issue for her again. She thinks I'm going to say something because of her weight and it would devastate her. I won't though. My heart is as true as Snow White's and my forgiveness is very high.

I just wish she would feel better about herself so she can live her fullest and best life. I love her. She can really be an angry little bird and a big ass, but I love her.