Am I the Only One?

I've never considered myself a good-two-shoes, but my clients are making me think that I am.

Today, a very pretty Asian woman I have known for a long time came in. Just the usual, Brazilian waxing with a landing strip down the front.

Like with all my clients, we get to talking. See, my job puts me in a very intimate position where most if not all clients, reveal ALL.They feel it's safe because I'm not part of their "inner circle".

She seems particularly on edge today and needed to get something off her chest. Almost immediately after she gets on the table, she starts her confession.

Her fiance is a nice, middle aged, single dad who one might even call, nerdy. He's better looking now a days because she has dressed him in the right clothes and took him to the right groomers. He earns a good living and I believe from our conversations is the main reason she stuck with him. She was in the mortgage business during the housing collapse and was a single mom who started really struggling.

I felt for her because she had finally left the Asian gangsters with the drinking, smoking, partying ways that she was hanging around with (the very same my soon-to-be ex finds intriguing) and found comfort in being just she and her daughter.

Than comes rich guy (who she originally wanted to set me up with and told me he was boring). He moved she and her daughter in with his 3 kids.

Now, after a few years of being with this guy, the party girl is coming back out. They were in Mexico and she talked him into having a threesome. They were on the boat and took her future husbands hands and placed them on her best friends breasts (she watched as her overly promiscuous BFF performed fellatio on him). She has got him drinking copious amounts of alcohol and going to strip clubs.

Now she is wringing her hands because she knows he's a classy guy and she may have gone too far with him.

I talked her down and told her that I know a ton of women who are cheating, doing copious amounts of cock-tailing, coke, and swinging, but they all have one thing in common. They live conservative lives. They are the people you would never think of and are of all socioeconomic class types.

It sounds weird, but you rarely hear an Asian woman confess to a woman outside of her race. Most play demure, tiny, and cute with such gifted excellence that you would never know that a lot of them cheat mercilessly. I have seen all women do it, but Asian women are so tight-lipped with each other that it would have to take a minor slip-up from a BFF for you to even get the hint of a clue. It's really quite masterful.

Hmmm...I think this really ties in with people's idea of racial stereotypes. 

With all this over-information that I am getting inundated with every day, I feel so dull, but honestly, I'm okay with that.

These things go on the list of what I haven't done nor want too:

1) Any drugs except I have tried marijuana.
2) Drank in excess where I blacked out.
3) Had a threesome, group sex, orgies, etc.
4) A DUI.
5) Had sex with anyone of my friends (or relatives! Have to say that these days) husbands or boyfriends.
6) Paid for sex.
7) Encouraged someone I am with to have an affair.
8) Lesbian anything (includes kissing and whatnot).
9) Tried to encourage the woman who wax's me to come home with my husband and I or came onto her at the spa.
10) Got caught doing coke in the public restroom of a spa (close that door, ladies!).

Yes, I have either heard all this stuff in varying stories or, like in number 9, witnessed it from clients. There is so much more, but it is their secrets to tell, not mine.

I do feel boring, but what's wrong with saving your money and going on a trip to see beautiful sights? Take out your excitement there.

What is missing in your psyche that you have to be so GD decadent? 

Stereotyping

You ever have one of those light bulb moments? Oprah deems them the, "A-ha" moments.

My a-ha moment came when I realized how much my soon-to-be ex not only used other people's negative feelings about women to gain allies, but he also used my race.

See, he is white and I am of Latin heritage. I live in a predominantly white state and because of that, a lot of people have some misconceptions about different racial ethnicity's.

Add to that the fact he came from a redneck background and most of his friends were either racist or really raciest and than mix that with obvious misogynistic overtones....

...and there you have it, a dumbass.

All Latina women are supposed to be fiery and have tempers. They rule the house, right? Wrong.

Close to 25% (that's 1 in 4) of Hispanic women have experienced domestic violence in their lifetime. Because of the cultural embracing of "machismo", this number is most certainly higher because of under-reporting.

48% of Latina's in one study reported that their partner’s violence against them had increased since they immigrated to the U.S.

Here's is the actual breakdown: In Latin culture, the term “Machismo” refers to excessive masculinity and most machistas believe in conservative gender role ideas (e.g., opposing a woman ’s right to work, participate in sports, or pursue other traditionally male roles in society).

The female equivalent is “Marianismo”, a term derived from Catholic beliefs of the Virgin Mary as both a virgin and a madonna, as well as the personification of the ideal woman. This ideal woman is emotional, kind, instinctive, whimsical, docile, compliant, vulnerable, and unassertive. She has a higher status in the community if she has children and is a caring mother. She is also pious and observant of religious laws.

It would be nice if all of you non-Hispanic people would set aside your racial stereotyping and help the victims of domestic violence.

Putting it another way: All white women aren't sluts. All Asian women aren't docile. All black women are crack heads. And all Hispanic women aren't fiery. 

Just because she looks different than you or has darker skin than you, doesn't mean she deserved it.

Neutrality

Let me put this as clear as possible for all those friends who feel they are being "neutral" by being close to both the abuser and the victim, you are NOT being neutral.

This myth of neutrality only serves the interests of the abuser. In the abusers mind, your middle stance mean's that you see the couple's problems as partly his fault and partly her fault, which means this isn't abuse.

These neutral friends have convinced themselves of their superior maturity by, "being there for both of them," but what they are really doing is colluding with the abusive man, even though that may not be their goal.

Abusers interpret silence as approval. Like I addressed in the "True Friends" blog post, if you are aware of the chronic and severe mistreatment of another human being, the abuser knows that you see nothing wrong with what has taken place. Your silence speaks volumes to the abuser.

Anyone who decides to look the other way unwittingly becomes the abusers ally.

Why does the abuser seek allies? Because after a while, he gets tired of bullying her all by himself. He has to work hard to keep his victim blaming herself and fend off any helping hands that might reach her. Besides, the abuser, in his weird little mind, believes he deserves allies, because he is the true victim.

The abuser will distort stories when hunting for allies. He will never admit to those potential allies of his cruelty and violence. Those facts are distasteful and will repel the very people he wants to draw in.

He may even carry some guilt feelings about his abuse and seeks escapism from those feelings while getting validation from others.

What's worse, is that he may have even convinced himself of his own distortions. Like the dreaded narcissistic abuser who believes his distortions are real.

If you want to be a real friend, why don't you see the issue from the woman's perspective. Or you can come to the reality that you were recruited and are being manipulated.

Because really, you are not his friend and all you're doing is making him feel justified in his actions. Protecting or enabling an abuser is as morally repugnant as the abuse itself. 

Realize that an abusers charm and manipulativeness just plays into your ignorance, misconceptions, and mostly, your own negative attitudes towards women.

Educate yourself. It may not just help the victim, but it may help you as well.

The Home Depot

I heart Home Depot.

In fact, I think I love Home Depot more than any other kind of store.


Today, as I entered the building, I felt my heart race.

Oh Home Depot, I have not been inside your tool-laden warehouse in years. Your door, screws, and toilets. I just know I need everything in there! Home Depot is such a tease with it's specials so conveniently placed at the end of every aisle. It's enough to make me salivate all over one of your orange-bib lackeys that you can never find.

I know you may not have the same zealotry about the depot as I do, but you have to understand where I'm coming from.

In 7 years, I have not been able to touch any home improvement because it would drive my soon-to-be ex nuts.

Some of our worst arguments came from me simply picking up a paint brush or a screw driver. He felt a sudden surge of inadequacy while sitting on the couch playing his X-Box as I was painting my son's room. It made him insecure while I just wanted to get things done.

Typically, I knew this would create a horrendous argument, so I tried doing it when he wasn't home (which was almost never). There still would be an argument.

In the end, I just stopped even trying to do some of the little things around the house that made me happy. I went from Ms Fix-it to Ms. Depressed. I tried to learn to enjoy watching him play his X-Box all day, but my life got too small. Thankfully, I started school to be able to have an excuse to be doing something productive and away from him.

But, now I'm back!

Now all I have to do is get his stuff out of the garage so I can buy my own set of tools (shuddering in excitement). 

End the Silence

Telling people that you were in an abusive relationship can become tiresome.

It's their own fault really because they always ask, "why are you getting a divorce?" I feel that the only way to answer this question is to be clear, concise, and honest about it, but it seems the general public feels otherwise.

You get that weird blank questioning look from the person asking the question. Their looking at me like I just wrote a complicated math problem a chalkboard and asked them for the answer. A tilt of the head and the strain in the eyes with mouth ajar is your clue that they don't get it.

That answer just doesn't ever seem qualified enough to suit the person asking you and than you have to go further to hone in on issues that are more palatable. I find myself having to run through a myriad of descriptive relationship issues till I find the one that they themselves can relate to like, "He was lazy, didn't work, not intelligent, didn't contribute, and was grouchy," (remember: can't say mean, caustic, or physically/emotionally abusive).

It is daunting that the majority of the questioning look, comes from women. With 1/3 of American women will experience domestic/dating violence in their lifetime. And 1/4 of women worldwide will also experience domestic violence. The statistics are not in our favor.

I've even been told outright by a woman that I shouldn't tell people that my soon-to-be ex was abusive. That it turns people off.

My answer to all these people is that domestic violence against women is a silent killer. With every domestic violence homicide, there are neighbors that say they thought they were a happy couple.

Of all the women murdered in the U.S., about one-third were killed by an intimate partner.

This issue must come out of the dark. We survivors need to walk into the light. Maybe you don't need to march on Washington holding a banner, but we should be able to feel confident about what really happened in our relationships.

The ability to be truthful may just allow another woman to be in her truth.

Be brave. Read these books and educate yourself and others. The only way to stop the violence is to stop the secrets.

Live in the light.

Bankruptcy

And sadness ensues...

Even though I got soon-to-be hubbies debt owned down to just his the $7000 garnishment, his lawyer is suggesting he still file bankruptcy.

Peeps, if he does this, all of his creditors will be looking for me. My lawyer suggests I file bankruptcy as well.

Here's the rub: this bankruptcy action completely annihilates my future.

I've always wanted to work in a high security level work. Maybe in D.C. or somewhere else and this bankruptcy would kill that dream completely. They won't touch me with a bankruptcy on my credit.

All that schooling, studying, and just generally buying my time raising my son until it was finally MY time...is all shot to hell.

Plus, it would take 10 years to get this off my record.

This is over $7,000 he won't pay, but he will pay his attorney $4,000? I'm sure his debtors would have taken $4,000 over seeing nothing and him filing bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy over $7,000 might make me have to let got of my dreams and quit school.

More sadness...

Debt (yuck):

Ah, debt. Doesn't that word just conjure up the most wonderful warm and fuzzy feelings that come from the far reaches of your heart? Wrong! Debt sucks.

You know what sucks even worse than debt?? Is reaching into the far reaches of your filing cabinet and pulling out 7 years worth of debt from your marriage. Yes, folks I have years worth of credit card statements all splayed out on my dining room table.

Okay, so I'm a little anal and have each year color coded for easy access for the last 15 years, but who cares? Hey, it took me a total of about 45 minutes to find everything I was looking for and I found a few too many surprises as well.

So, you know my soon-to-be ex is not only a compulsive liar, but he's also manic. Within a year of our relationship, he went out to his hometown (think chew and meth) and opened up 1, 2, 3, 4...5 credit cards! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he was able to do this while I was working (and he wasn't) because the bank employee knew his family and their now defunct hometown family business.

Unfortunately for me, he opened up a joint credit card with both our names and he as the primary signer, but he also opened up a business credit card under MY business name and also put himself as the primary signer. Thankfully, I wasn't there and didn't have complete knowledge about these goings on so I am not wholly responsible.

Before all this, I was completely paid off on all my debts and only had my house to worry about, but he seemed so sure and led me to believe that if the shit came down, he had a stash of money hanging out in a credit union somewhere (LIE).

It wasn't until I opened up a joint checking account so we could both make deposits for these new bills did I get a jarring dose of reality. First off, I noticed I was pretty much the only one making deposits. Clue numero uno. But, I went to the bank one day and all the money was gone. The bank teller politely handed me the paperwork and it was a garnishment in his name. I called the company that was suing him to ask for my money back and the lady said she couldn't do it. She wouldn't let me know the total of his debt, but she did offer me some advice, "Honey, I wouldn't marry him."

Thank you debt collector lady! I didn't listen...

He started working as the repair guy for a company that manufactures mobile homes. He traveled all across the state with a friend of his, staying in hotels, buying food, clothes for he and his friend, room service, entertainment, etc. When he maxed out his own business card, than he maxed out mine. All the while he promised me that he would pay it back. Even if he had to work two jobs, dig ditches, or work in fast food, he would pay it back. He never paid it back.

I have all the statements of his flagrant manic usage. I love the over $700 dollar one to a sportsman store because god knows every spa needs guns, bows, and deer piss for their clients.

Luckily, I have also the receipts for this office he said he made me. I had to pay cash for most of it because he ran up all the credit cards and never (or told me he didn't) get paid.

The biggest travesty I found while perusing through the statements: the entire weekend away at the coast (gas, food, lodging, souvenirs, etc) that he had planned to get engaged to me, was on MY business credit card, as well as....

MY ENGAGEMENT RING!!!!

He's such a peach. The best part is that if he files bankruptcy, ALL that debt...goes to me.

Happy Birthday! Woot!

A man who takes advantage of a divorced single mom, should have his balls in a sling. Thank you.

It's ALL Lies....

I can't seem to ever get specifics out of my brain. After an exhaustive search to find the truth, I'm still at a crossroads.

Here, so far, is just some of the tally of the lies:

My Lawyer:
1) She told me that my soon-to-be ex hubbies brother and sister-in-law were not going to testify. The brother and sister-in-law told me that they tried at least 7 times to call her back with no response.

2) I had asked her for months for the affidavit from soon-to-be ex hubbies counter claim against the restraining order. First, she sent me ours and promised me she'd send it. I finally picked it up at her office last week and noticed that she had never scanned it for me...didn't even try to send it.

3) She had told me at the restraining order contesting document that he had called me some sort of drug addict and that he was my supplier (this is hilarious because the only thing I actually do that might be considered horrible is that I talk on my cell phone while driving with my earphones on). She had also said that he was accusing me of being abusive. After finally reading the document, none of these accusations are even listed. The only thing that was said was that I was controlling and wouldn't let him see his friend (LOL!).

My neighbor:

1) I've been mulling this over and something's wrong. During our conversation last Sunday, he said that he had no idea that soon-to-be-ex was challenging the restraining order. Yet, I remember coming home on that day at about 3:30 or 4:00pm and he was home. Was he sick or did he opt out? There are openings in that document that would mention him, but not by name. Last minute editing, maybe?

2) He also told me during our conversation that he never even met soon-to-be ex hubbies roommate even though, he admitted to me months ago, at the same party (80's night at The Spot). Never mind the fact that soon-to-be ex-hubby lives with that guy and neighbor and he were hanging out. And the Black Keys concert? Hmmm??

3) Tons of phone records during that time to my neighbors cell phone (remember: I was paying for the soon-to-be ex cell phone at that time). Not to mention, my other ex-hubby (yes, I'm into marrying abusive a-holes) is all over my soon-to-be ex phone records and he, of course, bold-face lies to me about it. (THE RECORDS DON'T LIE). 

4) Neighbor being the anal retentive sort never got to the things he wanted sorted out at his house (ie; this big tree fell over in his front yard and the root system was still there, the tiling of his kitchen counters, the guest bathroom). He readily admitted that he wanted soon-to-be ex to do these things for him, but now that he is moving around for the next year, he is NOW getting to these projects. Why now? Was he just waiting for the restraining order to be lifted by next spring to soon-to-be ex can do his projects for free or with a substantial discount. Remember: both my neighbors will forgo having scruples for a cheap price or in this case, cheap labor.

My ex thinks he's moving these people like a game of chess, but in reality, it's not working like that. My lawyer does mention that she believes that his lawyer is a "Douche-Bag who drank the kool-aid" that my ex has been pouring, but has he? Maybe none of them believe him or even care. Why is my lawyer forwarding some of his lawyers correspondences where he threatens and talks like an ass, but not the others?

My neighbor and ex-hubby could be just using soon-to-be ex. Neighbor likes constant movement and always having something to do (he also likes cheap labor). Soon-to-be ex is a ball of manic energy who is always up to something and needs to feed his mania. Plus, I am sure that his constant flattery and fun is an awful lot like a friend that neighbor had for many years, but lost him to the motherland for good times and BS'ers, Las Vegas. Neighbor has to be good to me because...well, I'm his neighbor and, I suppose, my good judgement of him means something.

See people, the great thing about lies is that they always reveal themselves. No lie stays hidden.

It's like what the English say, "The truth will out."

One thing you can be sure of, there will be more to come...

The "Himbo's"

What happened to the days where your husband, when needed, would rise to the occasion and be the hero to you and your family? The days where you just knew he would take a bullet for you. Remember, women and children first?

Not anymore.

I don't know what is happening, but I am hearing from my clients that there is a very different male out there.

Some of them are attractive and young searching for someone who is slightly older to help take care of them. They want to travel, have lunch dates with their friends, and not worry about their day to day survival. Ex; recently, a successful yet only moderately attractive blonde client of mine told me about how many young men in bars are trying to pick her up. They ask the ole stand-by that women used to ask, "So what do you do?"

Are these the modern day gigolos that don't just want to exchange sex for money, but want to exchange their very soul for a lifestyle?

Then their are the bait-n-switch men. They are successful in when you meet them, but after marriage, they decide to retire. Oh sure, it sounds like he just needs you to carry the weight of the ship for a few months so his invention of a new kind of bug zapper hits the shelves, but it's just a ruse. He wants to stay at home, hang out, and have you do the work. 

This gorgeous redheaded client of mine came in today. I love hearing stories about her husband because every time I see her, he's up to something new and I get to see her make excuses for him. Let's see, he wanted to open a bar, they bought a boat so he could do boating tours, and he even ran for governor where he actually got 1700 votes! She now has the two kids on high alert for his dreaminess and whether his latest hair-brained idea is going to cost the family money. The most shocking thing though, he is not attractive. She could easily model and he could be a stand-in for that Disney parrot, José Carioca.

Is this what I have to look forward to is himbo's and dreamers? Grown men that I get to support?

Honestly men, put on your big girl panties and march your ass to the employment office. Have some dignity.

When you do get a job, just because you have money, doesn't mean you can be an ass.

Thank you. 

Weight is just a symptom

Something that has always bothered me since the get go is other people's perceptions of fat.

Actually, I should say, men's perceptions of fat.

My soon-to-be ex hubby became inwardly freaked when I gained a couple of pounds. Even though he gained weight, he became more critical and mean to me. He decided to not take me anywhere or do anything with me because of how the world would view him.

Never mind the fact that he would drink every night (even hiding bottles in the garage), would play video games (Yes,World of Warcraft, bleech), smoke pot, and not work. That behavior was okay, but me getting fat because I'm living in fear...is NOT acceptable.

Women are supposed to be on a higher level than men. We are supposed to be stronger and not able to lose it when we're living a crisis situation. So much is put on our shoulders about being perfect while men can become fat, drunk, drug addicts, etc.

First off, you should have considered from the start whether this is the right spouse for you, keeping in mind that physical attraction does matter. Over time, people rarely get thinner or better-looking. 

I know most men don't like fat women and maybe that is why women are fat. Maybe they just can't take it anymore and don't want to be a sexual object for a while.

Have these husband's or boyfriends ever thought about the underlying issue at the core of the weight gain? A healthy couple often becomes more attractive to each other over time because of their fond feelings and shared history. So there has to be an emotional gap or something definitely wrong in the relationship.

Men: maybe you should figure out what the real problem in your marriage is — in other words, confront the emotional issues. Explore why she has put on the weight, what food is replacing for her emotionally and why she isn't tuned in to or sympathetic to how this is making you feel. Be supportive of your wife rather than being a dick.

If she wants to lose weight, work on that with her. You can exercise and cook healthy meals together. In other words, be supportive.

Love your wife. Remember, you're in it for the long haul.

Lies, lies, lies...

"A single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity" ~ Baltasar Gracian

I love this quote because in one sentence, it encapsulates my whole thought process about people who lie. What do you do though when you discover the man you are married too is a compulsive liar?

I thought my life was calming down from its married-ville soap opera adventures, but that is not the case. Remember how I told you that my neighbor "asshole" was going to testify against me? Well, (make note of this moment) I'm about to eat crow. 

See, my neighbor is going to be going away on business and will be traveling a lot so I thought it's either now or never to confront him on the reasons why he was going to be a character witness for soon-to-be ex-hubby. Plus, the curiosity was killing me and it just makes being neighborly uncomfortable as hell. 

After I have a beer, a glass of wine, and a few minutes of rehearsal time in front of the bathroom mirror, I decide to stomp over there. I ring the door bell. Crap, this is not my best idea. My throat feels dry. I can do it though...I can do this....He answers the door, "What's up?" and then I just kind of blurt it out.

Looking at him intensely, "Were you going to testify against me?" 

I know once he looks at me like I've gone nuts and asks, "What for?" That this is not what I had expected. 

He invites me to come in to have a drink and after a lengthy discussion where I told him what was going on, he was a little miffed. He's a private fellow and knowing that his name was getting bantered about by my soon-to-be ex pissed him off. In fact, he didn't even know that any court dealings were going on. 

Strike #1...

So, now I have to know. Did my other neighbors, the "lookey-lou's", talk to my soon-to-be ex about doing construction on their property once the order was up? I zero in on the wife as she's collecting her mail. Yet another neighbor I have rendered perplexed and dismayed. She has no idea what I am talking about and says she wouldn't hire ex-hubby anyway. She says she thinks he has problems. (No kidding)

Strike #2... 

I'm so confused and I don't even know what the truth is at this point. My mind has been reeling of past events looking at whether soon-to-be ex was telling the truth or not. How far did the lies go and do I really want to spend a lot of time looking at it? Somehow I think falling down the rabbit hole has more stability to it than this mess ever will. 

Is he a compulsive liar or are the neighbors trying to save their collective faces knowing now that the relationship is doomed and I'm the one the have to deal with on a daily basis....

You be the judge.

A True Friend

After hosting a bunch of the overly demanding Living Social coupon people, I ended my day today on a high note. One of my regulars came in to get her pre-wedding waxing done and, of course, we got to talking.

I've been following the latest of her wedding dramas and was really interested on how things were shaping up.

See, her typically conservative best friend/maid of honor decided to venture out and become part of a threesome for a married couple. The lucky male in this scenario is one of the brides best male friends and the wife works in the same building as the bride.

Things are moving along swimmingly until said husband starts wanting more time with his new found toy, the BFF. Husband and wife decide to split up and, throughout all this, the BFF never mentions a word of it to the bride.

Hubby and BFF start dating (and whatever) while the wife laments at home on her awful mistake of letting another woman have sex with her husband.

Bride is mad. Not only is this creating drama, but BFF has become only concerned with hitting the high hard one with the adulterer; not the wedding. Other bridesmaids are stepping up to fulfill the brides wishes and demands which is creating ill feelings like, "Why am I not the maid of honor? I'm doing everything," etc.

Bride and groom decide enough is enough and that it's time to have a "come to Jesus meeting" with the ill-mannered threesome.

Each separately, the bride and groom takes them one by one to dinner. Every person in the threesome gets the same basic lecture, "We know what your doing. It's wrong. You need to stop or you can't be our friend anymore." Because of this, the threesome stopped. Said hubby went back to sad wife and they are now in counseling. BFF, decided she was out of control and had a drinking problem. She is now in a facility.

This story makes me wonder about my own marriage. If, collectively, people would have said to my husband AND myself, "Straighten out your shit or you can't be my friend anymore," would I be in the place we are now? In fact, would 50% of the marriages end in divorce? Would there be victim crimes or any other crime for that matter if friends actually stepped up and told the person to stop doing what their doing?

There used to be that and it's something called a community. People watched out for each other and the collective made sure when a person stepped out of line, they were pushed back into play. No friends around who got excited about the fact of you being bad and creating drama. These bad associations were looked down upon as worthless.

Now, they want drama so yo give their lives excitement or make them feel normal. Myopic thinking though because once your "friend" settles down, they won't be interested in you. People only like drama for so long and some friends let you just self destruct just so they can watch and some friends, who are true friends....care about you and want you stop being stupid.

Choose true friends.

Lucy and Ricky

I blame "Lucy and Ricky" for my problems.

What I mean is, I blame my parents for my problems who look suspiciously like Lucy and Ricky Ricardo.

It all started today when I went to my therapy appointment. I didn't have anything to talk about because, after making the decision to throw my lazy drunk-ass husband to the curb finally, I've been happy. In fact, I'm actually elated.

I have made a decision and it's on my terms (cue Sinatra signing "My Way").

People, the stress is gone and I can see the possibilities of my new life. It's amazing! I might actually have sex with someone who cares about what I feel (sigh of relief). I'm in awe.

Anywho, then comes therapy, the big buzz-kill. My therapist spends a lot of time in Latin America and was telling me examples of her various experiences in working with women in this patriarchal society. Than comes the question: "Did you ever find anything like that in your mom and dad?"

(Thud) The question literally took my breath away. My mom, normally so brazen and confident would diminish herself around men. She would capitulate and kowtow to the male species.

Was it because she didn't grow up with a dad? Was it because she met my MUCH older father when she was only 21 and he molded her that way? Did my grandma do it and my mother modeled her? My sister and I both have son's and I think we might treat them just a little differently.

Grandma had my uncle and treated him worse then my mother. I know if my mother had a son, she would have treated him like a God the way my sister and I do to our son's.

Whatever the cause, I have been reeling since that darn appointment. Why did I give special significance to the boys/men?

Oh my god, all my women's studies classes and I'm a fraud!

Gloria Steinem, please forgive me...

Why are men so weird?

Night eating is my diet downfall.

In order to curb my inclination to devour everything and anything in my fridge, I keep myself on a very strict eating routine after the sun sets.

I give myself 2 choices: a big chicken salad with a dash of olive oil and balsamic vinegar or 2 bento skewers (chicken or beef). I love the bento skewers at my local organic market. The skewered meat comes in a luscious variety of flavors that would make anyone's mouth water. I could go on and on about the chili with lime, lemon basil, peach poblano, as well as many others. After working all day and then working out, it's so easy for me to pop by the market to pick up these delectable protein-laden treats. Unfortunately, it's now gotten weird.

Going to the meat isle has become odd and I have no idea why.The last time someone talked to me was this last weekend when a nice man wrapping my bento up said, "What are your plans for the weekend?" I told him with a sigh, "I'm working." He shrugged his shoulders," Yeah, I'm working too", to which I chime in and say, " yes, it's going to be great camping weather and we're working". I thanked him for the bento and went about my way.

Since that time, things have been weird. I go up to the meat counter and the meat guys leave. I know my ex knows a guy who works at the meat counter for the same company, but he is at a different store. No, I really think it's that thing where every man you talk to, thinks you're interested and want to hump his bones.

I'm really trying to lift my head up and not look down anymore. I want to be friendly and smile at people while looking at them in the eye, but men are so weird about that. They think you want to be with them when you're not even thinking that. In fact, I'm not even in the relationship/sex/what ever else kind of way. I'm just trying baby steps of socialization again and not being afraid of men.

My question is, why do they think that because your friendly, that you want them? Do they all think their hot? I really want an answer because this mindset just seems so weird to me... :/