The God cry

On the full-disclosure track that I'm on, I wanted to tell you about last Saturday's cry-out.

I call it my "God-cry" because I had never felt a pain so deep. I have been pushing things down for the past 3 months just to get through spring term, but two days after finals, the cracks in the dam came.

Saturday's are the hardest for me because we would typically do things, if we ever did anything, would be on a Saturday.

As I'm walking to my car looking like Consuela with my laundry basket overflowing from the days facial clients, I start to cry. I start hobbling as fast as I can to my car and I can't run because the damn sheets are so heavy. Finally in my car, I put on my sunglasses, drove away, and began to cry.

I got home and fell to my knees on the living room floor. I didn't need just a tissue, I needed a beach towel. I sobbed. As I was crawling on my knees to my computer to leave my son a suicide letter, something changed. On my knees, I asked God for help. To please make the pain go away because I can't handle it. I'm not much of a God person, but I felt like he broke the deal where he was supposed to give me only as much as I could handle. I couldn't handle this.

I cried for hours and couldn't reach anyone on the phone. My lifelines were all missing and it was devastating. Thankfully, there was a show on Netflix and the 6 day work week caught up with me. I fell asleep on my pillow, beach towel/handkerchief, in a pool of tears, and with Netflix on.

That saying is really true about feeling better in the morning. I went for a long walk and breathed the fresh air.

I talked with Slosha later and she told me that the same thing happened to her, the the positive thing is that she never felt that way again. A week later and I can confess that it is true. I do feel sad and generally crappy at times, but I don't feel terrible. It's like the really deep sadness came out of me with every tear drop and it was healing.

Now off to the market. My son wants a BIG Sunday dinner. LOL, what we do for our kids....