Love Yourself First

Therapy can be so healing. I'm in desperate need of a pocket psychologist. Anytime I need a dose of therapy, I'd just take her out, use her, and put her back in my pocket. Awesome.

It's been two weeks since the therapist and I got together. Remember, the LivingSocial people have commandeered my schedule? I had so much to tell her about namely; the God cry, the shoes, the 19 year old, and this amazing blog.

As I start divulging the goings on in my life, I uncover a feeling that I haven't experienced since the break-up, guilt. I started understanding that I had my part to play in this fiasco. How did we get here? Could we have gone to counseling? He was willing. Did I need to call him stupid knowing full well that he was sensitive about his lack of knowledge. I played a part in all this and for that, I felt guilt.

I felt better afterwards and I'm not totally certain how she does it. It's really something and I can't remember a thing she said to me, but I left the building feeling great. Although, something was still gnawing at me and I didn't really know the question to ask or how to even put my finger on it.

My first client was a Russian woman. Ugh, typically the Russian ladies are so high maintenance it drives you nuts. They are the first ones that want the most expensive thing you have, but they want it as cheap as possible. Irina was different. She was just brimming with positivity and good energy.

I'm going through the standard questions: "How are you? What do you do? Etc.." People typically like to talk about themselves and you only need a few leading questions to pop that cork. Irina told me that she's been married 25 years and for some reason I asked her what the secret was to her successful marriage. She looked at me very calmly and stated, "love yourself first."

And there it was. I didn't love myself and, in fact, I lost myself. I used to go exercising, go out with friends, and just have fun. I lost my self esteem and I'm wondering now if I ever even had it when I met him. 

I must go deeper...

I guess we'll be delving in the past. The date's, the men, and the other maladies.

Stay tuned!