Am I the Only One?

I've never considered myself a good-two-shoes, but my clients are making me think that I am.

Today, a very pretty Asian woman I have known for a long time came in. Just the usual, Brazilian waxing with a landing strip down the front.

Like with all my clients, we get to talking. See, my job puts me in a very intimate position where most if not all clients, reveal ALL.They feel it's safe because I'm not part of their "inner circle".

She seems particularly on edge today and needed to get something off her chest. Almost immediately after she gets on the table, she starts her confession.

Her fiance is a nice, middle aged, single dad who one might even call, nerdy. He's better looking now a days because she has dressed him in the right clothes and took him to the right groomers. He earns a good living and I believe from our conversations is the main reason she stuck with him. She was in the mortgage business during the housing collapse and was a single mom who started really struggling.

I felt for her because she had finally left the Asian gangsters with the drinking, smoking, partying ways that she was hanging around with (the very same my soon-to-be ex finds intriguing) and found comfort in being just she and her daughter.

Than comes rich guy (who she originally wanted to set me up with and told me he was boring). He moved she and her daughter in with his 3 kids.

Now, after a few years of being with this guy, the party girl is coming back out. They were in Mexico and she talked him into having a threesome. They were on the boat and took her future husbands hands and placed them on her best friends breasts (she watched as her overly promiscuous BFF performed fellatio on him). She has got him drinking copious amounts of alcohol and going to strip clubs.

Now she is wringing her hands because she knows he's a classy guy and she may have gone too far with him.

I talked her down and told her that I know a ton of women who are cheating, doing copious amounts of cock-tailing, coke, and swinging, but they all have one thing in common. They live conservative lives. They are the people you would never think of and are of all socioeconomic class types.

It sounds weird, but you rarely hear an Asian woman confess to a woman outside of her race. Most play demure, tiny, and cute with such gifted excellence that you would never know that a lot of them cheat mercilessly. I have seen all women do it, but Asian women are so tight-lipped with each other that it would have to take a minor slip-up from a BFF for you to even get the hint of a clue. It's really quite masterful.

Hmmm...I think this really ties in with people's idea of racial stereotypes. 

With all this over-information that I am getting inundated with every day, I feel so dull, but honestly, I'm okay with that.

These things go on the list of what I haven't done nor want too:

1) Any drugs except I have tried marijuana.
2) Drank in excess where I blacked out.
3) Had a threesome, group sex, orgies, etc.
4) A DUI.
5) Had sex with anyone of my friends (or relatives! Have to say that these days) husbands or boyfriends.
6) Paid for sex.
7) Encouraged someone I am with to have an affair.
8) Lesbian anything (includes kissing and whatnot).
9) Tried to encourage the woman who wax's me to come home with my husband and I or came onto her at the spa.
10) Got caught doing coke in the public restroom of a spa (close that door, ladies!).

Yes, I have either heard all this stuff in varying stories or, like in number 9, witnessed it from clients. There is so much more, but it is their secrets to tell, not mine.

I do feel boring, but what's wrong with saving your money and going on a trip to see beautiful sights? Take out your excitement there.

What is missing in your psyche that you have to be so GD decadent? 

Stereotyping

You ever have one of those light bulb moments? Oprah deems them the, "A-ha" moments.

My a-ha moment came when I realized how much my soon-to-be ex not only used other people's negative feelings about women to gain allies, but he also used my race.

See, he is white and I am of Latin heritage. I live in a predominantly white state and because of that, a lot of people have some misconceptions about different racial ethnicity's.

Add to that the fact he came from a redneck background and most of his friends were either racist or really raciest and than mix that with obvious misogynistic overtones....

...and there you have it, a dumbass.

All Latina women are supposed to be fiery and have tempers. They rule the house, right? Wrong.

Close to 25% (that's 1 in 4) of Hispanic women have experienced domestic violence in their lifetime. Because of the cultural embracing of "machismo", this number is most certainly higher because of under-reporting.

48% of Latina's in one study reported that their partner’s violence against them had increased since they immigrated to the U.S.

Here's is the actual breakdown: In Latin culture, the term “Machismo” refers to excessive masculinity and most machistas believe in conservative gender role ideas (e.g., opposing a woman ’s right to work, participate in sports, or pursue other traditionally male roles in society).

The female equivalent is “Marianismo”, a term derived from Catholic beliefs of the Virgin Mary as both a virgin and a madonna, as well as the personification of the ideal woman. This ideal woman is emotional, kind, instinctive, whimsical, docile, compliant, vulnerable, and unassertive. She has a higher status in the community if she has children and is a caring mother. She is also pious and observant of religious laws.

It would be nice if all of you non-Hispanic people would set aside your racial stereotyping and help the victims of domestic violence.

Putting it another way: All white women aren't sluts. All Asian women aren't docile. All black women are crack heads. And all Hispanic women aren't fiery. 

Just because she looks different than you or has darker skin than you, doesn't mean she deserved it.

Neutrality

Let me put this as clear as possible for all those friends who feel they are being "neutral" by being close to both the abuser and the victim, you are NOT being neutral.

This myth of neutrality only serves the interests of the abuser. In the abusers mind, your middle stance mean's that you see the couple's problems as partly his fault and partly her fault, which means this isn't abuse.

These neutral friends have convinced themselves of their superior maturity by, "being there for both of them," but what they are really doing is colluding with the abusive man, even though that may not be their goal.

Abusers interpret silence as approval. Like I addressed in the "True Friends" blog post, if you are aware of the chronic and severe mistreatment of another human being, the abuser knows that you see nothing wrong with what has taken place. Your silence speaks volumes to the abuser.

Anyone who decides to look the other way unwittingly becomes the abusers ally.

Why does the abuser seek allies? Because after a while, he gets tired of bullying her all by himself. He has to work hard to keep his victim blaming herself and fend off any helping hands that might reach her. Besides, the abuser, in his weird little mind, believes he deserves allies, because he is the true victim.

The abuser will distort stories when hunting for allies. He will never admit to those potential allies of his cruelty and violence. Those facts are distasteful and will repel the very people he wants to draw in.

He may even carry some guilt feelings about his abuse and seeks escapism from those feelings while getting validation from others.

What's worse, is that he may have even convinced himself of his own distortions. Like the dreaded narcissistic abuser who believes his distortions are real.

If you want to be a real friend, why don't you see the issue from the woman's perspective. Or you can come to the reality that you were recruited and are being manipulated.

Because really, you are not his friend and all you're doing is making him feel justified in his actions. Protecting or enabling an abuser is as morally repugnant as the abuse itself. 

Realize that an abusers charm and manipulativeness just plays into your ignorance, misconceptions, and mostly, your own negative attitudes towards women.

Educate yourself. It may not just help the victim, but it may help you as well.

The Home Depot

I heart Home Depot.

In fact, I think I love Home Depot more than any other kind of store.


Today, as I entered the building, I felt my heart race.

Oh Home Depot, I have not been inside your tool-laden warehouse in years. Your door, screws, and toilets. I just know I need everything in there! Home Depot is such a tease with it's specials so conveniently placed at the end of every aisle. It's enough to make me salivate all over one of your orange-bib lackeys that you can never find.

I know you may not have the same zealotry about the depot as I do, but you have to understand where I'm coming from.

In 7 years, I have not been able to touch any home improvement because it would drive my soon-to-be ex nuts.

Some of our worst arguments came from me simply picking up a paint brush or a screw driver. He felt a sudden surge of inadequacy while sitting on the couch playing his X-Box as I was painting my son's room. It made him insecure while I just wanted to get things done.

Typically, I knew this would create a horrendous argument, so I tried doing it when he wasn't home (which was almost never). There still would be an argument.

In the end, I just stopped even trying to do some of the little things around the house that made me happy. I went from Ms Fix-it to Ms. Depressed. I tried to learn to enjoy watching him play his X-Box all day, but my life got too small. Thankfully, I started school to be able to have an excuse to be doing something productive and away from him.

But, now I'm back!

Now all I have to do is get his stuff out of the garage so I can buy my own set of tools (shuddering in excitement). 

End the Silence

Telling people that you were in an abusive relationship can become tiresome.

It's their own fault really because they always ask, "why are you getting a divorce?" I feel that the only way to answer this question is to be clear, concise, and honest about it, but it seems the general public feels otherwise.

You get that weird blank questioning look from the person asking the question. Their looking at me like I just wrote a complicated math problem a chalkboard and asked them for the answer. A tilt of the head and the strain in the eyes with mouth ajar is your clue that they don't get it.

That answer just doesn't ever seem qualified enough to suit the person asking you and than you have to go further to hone in on issues that are more palatable. I find myself having to run through a myriad of descriptive relationship issues till I find the one that they themselves can relate to like, "He was lazy, didn't work, not intelligent, didn't contribute, and was grouchy," (remember: can't say mean, caustic, or physically/emotionally abusive).

It is daunting that the majority of the questioning look, comes from women. With 1/3 of American women will experience domestic/dating violence in their lifetime. And 1/4 of women worldwide will also experience domestic violence. The statistics are not in our favor.

I've even been told outright by a woman that I shouldn't tell people that my soon-to-be ex was abusive. That it turns people off.

My answer to all these people is that domestic violence against women is a silent killer. With every domestic violence homicide, there are neighbors that say they thought they were a happy couple.

Of all the women murdered in the U.S., about one-third were killed by an intimate partner.

This issue must come out of the dark. We survivors need to walk into the light. Maybe you don't need to march on Washington holding a banner, but we should be able to feel confident about what really happened in our relationships.

The ability to be truthful may just allow another woman to be in her truth.

Be brave. Read these books and educate yourself and others. The only way to stop the violence is to stop the secrets.

Live in the light.

Bankruptcy

And sadness ensues...

Even though I got soon-to-be hubbies debt owned down to just his the $7000 garnishment, his lawyer is suggesting he still file bankruptcy.

Peeps, if he does this, all of his creditors will be looking for me. My lawyer suggests I file bankruptcy as well.

Here's the rub: this bankruptcy action completely annihilates my future.

I've always wanted to work in a high security level work. Maybe in D.C. or somewhere else and this bankruptcy would kill that dream completely. They won't touch me with a bankruptcy on my credit.

All that schooling, studying, and just generally buying my time raising my son until it was finally MY time...is all shot to hell.

Plus, it would take 10 years to get this off my record.

This is over $7,000 he won't pay, but he will pay his attorney $4,000? I'm sure his debtors would have taken $4,000 over seeing nothing and him filing bankruptcy.

Bankruptcy over $7,000 might make me have to let got of my dreams and quit school.

More sadness...

Debt (yuck):

Ah, debt. Doesn't that word just conjure up the most wonderful warm and fuzzy feelings that come from the far reaches of your heart? Wrong! Debt sucks.

You know what sucks even worse than debt?? Is reaching into the far reaches of your filing cabinet and pulling out 7 years worth of debt from your marriage. Yes, folks I have years worth of credit card statements all splayed out on my dining room table.

Okay, so I'm a little anal and have each year color coded for easy access for the last 15 years, but who cares? Hey, it took me a total of about 45 minutes to find everything I was looking for and I found a few too many surprises as well.

So, you know my soon-to-be ex is not only a compulsive liar, but he's also manic. Within a year of our relationship, he went out to his hometown (think chew and meth) and opened up 1, 2, 3, 4...5 credit cards! Yes, ladies and gentlemen, he was able to do this while I was working (and he wasn't) because the bank employee knew his family and their now defunct hometown family business.

Unfortunately for me, he opened up a joint credit card with both our names and he as the primary signer, but he also opened up a business credit card under MY business name and also put himself as the primary signer. Thankfully, I wasn't there and didn't have complete knowledge about these goings on so I am not wholly responsible.

Before all this, I was completely paid off on all my debts and only had my house to worry about, but he seemed so sure and led me to believe that if the shit came down, he had a stash of money hanging out in a credit union somewhere (LIE).

It wasn't until I opened up a joint checking account so we could both make deposits for these new bills did I get a jarring dose of reality. First off, I noticed I was pretty much the only one making deposits. Clue numero uno. But, I went to the bank one day and all the money was gone. The bank teller politely handed me the paperwork and it was a garnishment in his name. I called the company that was suing him to ask for my money back and the lady said she couldn't do it. She wouldn't let me know the total of his debt, but she did offer me some advice, "Honey, I wouldn't marry him."

Thank you debt collector lady! I didn't listen...

He started working as the repair guy for a company that manufactures mobile homes. He traveled all across the state with a friend of his, staying in hotels, buying food, clothes for he and his friend, room service, entertainment, etc. When he maxed out his own business card, than he maxed out mine. All the while he promised me that he would pay it back. Even if he had to work two jobs, dig ditches, or work in fast food, he would pay it back. He never paid it back.

I have all the statements of his flagrant manic usage. I love the over $700 dollar one to a sportsman store because god knows every spa needs guns, bows, and deer piss for their clients.

Luckily, I have also the receipts for this office he said he made me. I had to pay cash for most of it because he ran up all the credit cards and never (or told me he didn't) get paid.

The biggest travesty I found while perusing through the statements: the entire weekend away at the coast (gas, food, lodging, souvenirs, etc) that he had planned to get engaged to me, was on MY business credit card, as well as....

MY ENGAGEMENT RING!!!!

He's such a peach. The best part is that if he files bankruptcy, ALL that debt...goes to me.

Happy Birthday! Woot!

A man who takes advantage of a divorced single mom, should have his balls in a sling. Thank you.