Bernadine's Rage

I'm ready.

I've never felt so ready to take the next step and get on with my life. I see the possibilities and have finally come to the conclusion that hubby and I were NEVER right for each other.

But, now that I'm ready, things seem to be moving at a snails pace and it's frustrating.

See, I want him to pay for a POD for his things. My neighbors have already volunteered to help as much as they can to load said POD full of his belongings. The only things stopping me is the money. A middle size POD costs about $270.00. Now, I know you're thinking, why don't I just go to one of those public storage place that have a 1st month free deal? People, those public storage "deals" are pure marketing. There are various fee's involved (administrative fee's, deposits, etc) that add up to or more than the actual rental fee. This is not including the fact that I have to rent a U-Haul or Ryder truck to be able to load everything up or that I have to have some people load everything in the truck with me....and then unload it...etc.

It's a hassle for me especially for the fact that all this inconvenience is for someone who was abusive to me. I almost feel like I'm getting abused all over again and that the word "Sucker" should be tattooed on my forehead. I'm being co-dependent again and I don't want to be.

I think the absolute worst thing would be signing divorce papers and then coming home to the chaos of all of his stuff. I want it out! Now.


He hasn't gotten back to his attorney about this and it's been two weeks. I'm thinking his passive resistance is another manipulative way for him to make sure I pay for, not only the divorce filing that we had agreed upon, but the POD as well.

I pay for everything and I move everything. He gets off with being lazy again...

Not fair!

Sex and/or Money?

The obvious has happened and I don't have time anymore. Seems as though my soon-to-be ex husband is growing exasperated with me and my lagging on the divorce. His attorney tells my lawyer that they aren't going to wait that much longer for me to file.

It is time then.

I think I'm ready for this and have grown stronger in the last month or so. How can one know though how it will actually feel signing those papers in the office, walking out the door, and driving home? The finale, if you will. Completely and utterly detaching yourself from someone you loved and promised yourself to.

Will it be the final heartbreak or will it be a relief? I have no idea...

I know one thing is for sure, I have been angry lately. I mean ANGRY!

Working out is one thing, but working out with a look on your face like you're going to kill someone is another thing entirely.

I'm pissed at men.

I know it's typical in times like these, but that isn't the whole issue here. I had faith in men. When you grow up with horribly emotionally-laden females and no males around, you have hope. My best friends through high school were boys and there wasn't the constant strain of them wanting to analyze every subtle nuance of my being...or theirs! They just wanted to laugh, joke, and have fun. Nothing complicated.

I've always given men the benefit of the doubt throughout my adult life. Believing that they wouldn't lead me astray like the women have. I mean girls wouldn't act like themselves and make a show for the men-folk. I knew their games. Pretty soon you're married to one of those women persons and the guys looking around in a quandary saying, "But, I thought you liked football?" Women aren't truthful. You can't trust them!

Or so I thought...

As I got older, I got to know my kind. See other women outside of my family and outside of each other. I got to respect women, and now I volunteer with teenage girls to help them reach achieve their dreams. 

But men...men...men...

I don't get you now. I can't smile at you because in your weird little mind, you think I'm flirting. Odd.

I'm starting to believe that the only way you are motivated is by money and sex. That's it. No wonder the divorce rates are so high. You are not capable of deep thinking. I'm almost envious. To think that when a woman asks you what you are thinking and you say nothing, your REALLY thinking of nothing. That is amazing. It's like an empty radio station. Nothing.

Ask any woman and there isn't a day that she isn't thinking about the things she has to do at work tomorrow, when to pick up with kids, and what to buy for your mother's birthday next week. And you have free air time. That's awesome! I'm so freaking jealous.

It's simple but, as I can see now, it's dangerous.

You run the world and since you have free air time, it's making me a little nervous. How did you get in charge?

Yes, women are a pain in the ass, but they are still amazing. When I tell the men about the abuse, there is hem/hawing about it, but you tell a woman and you see nothing but steely determination in her eyes. She will have my entire life mapped out for me in 2 seconds. Saying, "You're getting a divorce, aren't you? You can make it. You'll be fine. I'll see who else can come in and get waxed," and that's that.

Here's to my sister's who have been there for a moment or for the whole ride. I love you all and maybe one day, the men-folk running this world will catch up.

Flirting

I don't know what came over me. It must be those "50 Shades" books.

A long time male client of mine did, as he always does, last minute texts me to see if he can get in today. He's a well paying client and loyal so I oblige him, but I also have the time he was looking for.

As the day progresses, I notice something stirring inside me. I'm getting anxious as the minutes count down to his arrival. Hmmm, I never had this feeling before with him.

He's my last client of the day and I'm thinking about how much I want to see him, but I'm nervous. I'm in the massage portion of the facial when I realize I want him to be my first non-husband kiss. The sort of kiss I haven't had in 7 years, but how do I initiate it?

The thoughts of how to get him to kiss me flood my mind and I find myself getting excited with anticipation. Do I subtly suggest it or do I just grab him? I am horrible at these things. What if he pushes me away? I knew he liked me once when I was thinner and younger, but what about now?

He pulls up in his new dark grey BMW and walks towards the building. He looks so hot in his sleek button down with his aviator glasses on. My mouth gets dry as I say hello.

He asks me how I have been and I said sarcastically that divorce was, "greaaat". He looks shocked. Hmmm, I thought he knew about it from the last time he came.

We had a great time with our usual teasing each other mercilessly. I did mention that I think I'd "goof-out" if someone actually kissed me and reassuringly said to me, "No, you won't. You're more confident now. More then I have ever seen you". He also added, "you used to get with men and follow them with whatever they wanted to do, you're not like that anymore, I can see that".

I left the flirting aside and realized how nice it was to have an old friend there with me. Relishing the time we had to play catch up.

After we said our goodbyes, he rolled up in his BMW with those sexy glasses on and he had to give me one last tease, "You need to be more punctual (he's the one who's always late!)".

I said exasperatingly, "Goodbye, Christian Grey."

Stalking

I got a call from my lawyer; my ex is accusing me of stalking him.

Never mind the fact that we live in the same neighborhood and I have owned a house here since before we even met. In fact, I have lived in this neighborhood for over 20 years and he just moved here 5 years ago.

I can't help that he has decided to stay in the neighborhood and I also can't help that we may or may not pass each other on one of the two roads getting in or out of this neighborhood.

Honestly, I'm too tired to stalk anyone. I'm still grinding through the coupon people at my work. I have only gotten to 120 out of the 400 that were sold. If I was interested in stalking, I'd have to hire someone to do it for me and since the coupon people don't tip, it would be impossible.

No, this is all about the other day when I had a brain fart. Ugh, now, his lawyer believes that I was to still stay married because I haven't filed and, of course, I'm stalking him.

Can this get any better?

Well, at least I have taken up reading smut. Yes, I am devouring the "50 Shades of Grey" books this summer.

Christian Grey (the hero of the book) is so delicious. I see that actor Armie Hammer as him and Shailene Woodley as the heroine of the book, Anastasia (although, I'd rather see me).

I feel for men. How can they ever live up to a fictional guy? Christian Grey isn't lazy about work or sex, even and he adores his woman. I know, it's hard for men. Close to impossible.

Can I be 22 again with hymen intact this time so I can catch me an amazingly handsome billionaire?

Ex-husband say what??

Storage Facility

It's the garage.

The garage is making me batty. In fact, the garage is freaking me out with it's level of chaos, that I can't even think straight.

Within this little part of my house contains all of his stuff. From the pics, you would think that I must have messed it up or have done something to it, but I have not. This is how my husband actually lives.

For me, this garage is the representation of the chaos that is within my husband. This is the physical manifestation of someone who is in a state of utter confusion.

Unfortunately, his clutter, I feel, is the primary reason for my own state of confusion and I need to have cleaned out.

My support system is nil on this one for some reason. Even my own son is being intentionally absent from helping me, so I need to go it alone.

I'm hoping that I can pull everything out into the driveway, tarp it, and let his friends pick it up over the next couple days. That's what I hope anyway.

It's driving me batty having his stuff around and I wonder why God hasn't given me someone to help me with this task.

What it is doing, is showing me my lack of support and maybe that is why I am holding onto all his crap. Like I talked about before, he was my main support even though he was bad. Truth is, I don't have anyone else and it also shows me, I can't really count on anyone and I don't want to be in this position in the future.

This is so painful and these are the times when my Mom was helpful. I know she would rally and force you to put on your big girl panties. If I had her in my life, the garage wold have been cleaned out long ago. Mom never liked to linger.

I just need to do it. Maybe get some help here and there from some neighbors, but just do it.

Now is the time for all of us to clean out the recesses of our minds to make way for new and fresh thoughts.

No more lingering! Get up and do it!

Move On Already!

It's been since late March that we have been separated and everyone is starting to look at me funny and says, "Move on already."

In fact, my son is pressuring me to do this because he says that being married is actually holding me back.

The suppose the plus side, if there ever is one, is that the concept of getting a divorce isn't making me nauseous. Baby steps, right?

In actuality, I'm asking myself why I haven't just done it. Ended it. Finito.

My counselor touched upon something that I haven't thought of and didn't have the wherewithal to understand it. I have not had that many people in my life that have been in my corner. While most people put on airs with strangers, I do that with my family. It was always in an effort to get along with them and try to keep them around. In all honesty, I have almost no familial support system.

Most don't understand that when you have a small support system, it is hard to get rid of a person who was your main support system, even if they were bad to you.

You let them in, give them your heart, your secrets, and your trust. Thinking that you're going to be married to this person for the rest of your life, you open up corners of your heart that you have never spoken of. They are not just in the circle of trust, but they ARE the circle of trust. You have so very little and they become your everything.

I was a very lonely little girl and having a relationship where I could finally tell someone my inner thoughts and dreams was all I ever wanted. Never mind the fact that he took that magic that I had bestowed onto him and distorted it. And, in a final humiliation, he is disturbingly nonchalant about divorcing me after I have let him see all of my vulnerabilities.

It's because of my weight. He is surfacy and not, as I had thought, a deep thinker. I know I embarrassed him because of my weight that is why he never took me anywhere to see anyone or do anything. How he is seen to the outside world is extremely important to him. He is a perfectionist and having me be fat or in his eyes I am sure, imperfect, was horrible. Even though, my knowing that he was shallow like that would have been the perfect passive resistant play on my part, LOL, which I may have done.

There is also the fact that his narratives about me would be seen as bold-faced lies if people actually got to talk with me. Many people have said things or mentioned things that I had supposedly did or said that were simply not true. I was always left in a quandary as to whether to go along with the lie because he is my husband or set them straight and, in turn, get him angry. As the saying goes, "Truth will out," and it does...eventually. I typically would wait and say nothing until he turns away from me and towards someone else. This is where they usually see the cracks and inconsistencies. He flubs up enough that I felt there was no need to set the record straight.

Yes, I have revealed some the thoughts I have been mulling over the last few weeks...months.

Hopefully, I will feel better soon because I am making such good strides on becoming healthier...better, stronger, faster.

The divorce still looms though...

Hunky-Dory

I had an amazing massage today. The great thing about being in the salon industry, is you're able to barter your services with others in the industry. Job perk.

While I was laying there in a semi-catatonic state, my mind started to wander.

Why did God let me see my husband yesterday?

I have been chuckling all day at the sight of him running at top speed to get away from me. It made me feel like a stalker even though I haven't communicated with him since March. There he was in all his glory and I'm sure, if he could, he would have been screaming.(Ahhhhh....!!)

As the massage therapist is getting all the knots out of my back, I think about how he looked. He didn't look that great. Not this Adonis I thought he would turn into after he stopped eating my lasagna. The receding hairline was there (think, Eddie Munster), he was wearing all the same clothes from before with a shirt that was too short, and he must have bought new shoes.

Being a white guy with a size 13 shoe, you think he would know to not buy huge white basketball shoes, right? He looked so ridiculous with that little tiny shirt, khaki shorts, and his lily-white legs running down the street in those big ass white shoes. LOL, he wants so much to look like his little Asian "gangster"   friends, that he dismissed the fact that, well, he may be a dork.

By the time the massage therapist was at my arms, I figured out what God was up to.

He wanted me to see how this man that I thought would be looking so hawt that every woman would want him, in reality, looks like an idiot.

God, I feel, also wanted to show me that the chaos and drama in his life was still there. I knew that freaked out speed walking thing he was doing because I have seen it many many times before. What it means is, someone's frustrated with him and he's pissed or some version of him being a victim to someone else, whichev. It was the drama march. When he was in his drama march, he could out run most people. He's like lightening, but this one was particularly fast.

Since he was coming from the friend's house he's been staying at and going towards the other friends house he works with, seems as though there are issues surrounding his living situation. Maybe, it isn't all hunky dory for him right now. All this time I thought he was moving on seamlessly, but maybe he wasn't.

He wasn't the one who changed, it was me looking at him through my eyes. I have changed.

I have men looking at me now. I have people looking at me weirdly once I state I have a teenage boy and saying, "you do NOT look old enough to have a teenager." 

I am looking good and feeling good....and I like it :)